My identity and direction in life

How often have you asked yourself the question, " Who am I?" and "Where am I going in life?"? I have searched these areas for so long from the time of being a teenager, through college, and up til now. You can just imagine and predict how any average kid would go about in his or her life trying to answer these deepest questions about human existence and purpose in life. I tried to really fit into this world by trying to enter into relationships with women. Of course most of the time I wasn't successful because I was so insecure with myself and apart from a sincere heart had nothing else to offer them. Also I had a sense of low esteem of who I was primarily because of the fact that most girls I had ever liked usually liked some other guy who had better looks than I did. Nothing my mother or sisters could ever comfort or remind me of the valuable person I was and could offer to a woman. I thought maybe working out or getting a tan would work better or trying to improve my style of clothing. Nothing seemed to work. I started wondering if marriage was just an illusion or a dream that I could only imagine in my mind and not experience in the real world. I started wondering if I had any problems with myself that could have prevented me from experiencing meaningful relationships. I thought maybe the idea of me being a missionary to Ukraine would inspire a girl to give up her upbringing and status in the states to join me and make me feel that I was onto something in life. I even wanted my parents to be pleased with my actions. Not only that, I wanted to know that I could be in a place where I would experience stability and not have to succumb to change on a regular basis which became a prominent component in my later years.

I remember a young lady I had liked for some time when I was in Ukraine. Her name was Natasha. She came into the youth group at our church after finishing a course for new believers and some time after that we became friends and started hanging out together. One afternoon after church she came to me and asked me to come over to her house for her birthday celebration. I automatically assumed that she had other people from the church that were going to be there and inevitably I was wrong. There were no other people from there apart from me, her family and neighbors. I began to think that maybe I could get to know her better over time. We started hanging out more and more and sure enough I would go to her house on occasion and just chill with her there. But then I realized that I liked her and wanted to tell her but was too scared. I had this idea that if I liked a girl and wanted to be with her then I had ceased to be rational or had shifted my focus of life to the wrong place. I began to think of mom and dad and what they would say. They never condemned me being with Natasha and sure enough it was ultimately my decision. I even struggled with communicating my thoughts in a clear and concise way in Russian. After a certain period of time, our friendship started to drift away. We began to spend less and less time together and I found that we had ceased to be friends and had become mere acquaintances.

How did I feel about this? I felt terrible and still feel terrible to this day at times because I think that I was given an opportunity to be in a relationship with someone (regardless of whether it was the right time or not) and I messed it up. Inevitably, she had interest in me and lost it because of my failure to act. And sure enough, I don't date women to this very day and haven't for a very long time. I don't equate my singleness now to my mistakes in the past necessarily. I intentionally chose to embrace singleness as of right now because of some areas in my life that I want to work on through the work of Christ and can better focus on when I am not in a relationship. Do I still have desires on occasion? Absolutely. But I know that God knows my desires and will grant them to be fulfilled in the time that He knows is best.

How do I find my purpose or direction in life? I honestly have to say that it became more clear when I had doubts as a Christian about the objectivity of my beliefs. Over time, I began to see that life through the lenses of Christianity made more sense than life through the lenses of another world-view because of the truth that Christianity provided that answered the most important questions I had as a person and still encounter to this day. What gives me passion in life? All sorts of things give me passion in life. Reading philosophy, apologetics, studying different aspects of the New Testament and reflecting over principles in the Scriptures and praying over them and applying them to other people in my daily life. But also more than anything I desire two things: A more intimate relationship with Jesus Christ and a life mate to share personal intimacy with. Those two things I personally desire and long with all of my heart, soul, and mind. God has given me those desires or otherwise I wouldn't have them. I know He will provide those things when the time comes. I also realize that God so often is working through the small and intricate areas of my life to eventually show His divine plan for me. Sometimes He will blow me out of the water but most of the time it is through searching and praying.

So what is my identity in life? I am someone special created in the image of God (God is a Person with a soul and a mind) who inherited the traits I have that make up my intrinsic value from the very nature and character of God himself. I have a purpose to live because I am not the accidental byproduct of nature but have volition and the ability to love and worship God. I am loved incomprehensibly regardless of my actions and have been given grace and forgiveness resulting in my salvation from my sins.

So what is my direction in life? To bring glory and honor to Jesus Christ through my lifestyle and personal witness (living and verbal) to other people who are unbelievers and believers. I am also to express thanksgiving and gratitude to God for giving me the things I love and cherish and am to make the most of the gifts and abilities He has endowed me with for this life.

Hope this was insightful for you.